On a lighter note...

The other day I was eating a Popsicle and my lips totally got stuck to it. I had to run over to the sink and have Eric pour water over my mouth to get it off. Really not funny at the time but in hindsight I can see the humor in it.

Seth has been the biggest PILL lately at mealtime. He goes from zero to STARVING in the span of about 5 seconds and you just cannot get food into his mouth fast enough or he throws this huge tantrum as if I'm stealing his favorite toy repeatedly. So we're working on that.

He ate the weirdest dinner goulash tonight. A small part of me feels like kind of a bad mom because it sounds so disgusting, but what can I say, it was pretty healthy and the real truth is it makes me an awesome mom because I know what he will like. Are you ready for this? I took one of these Green Giant steam in the bag mixed veggies, cooked and chopped those really fine, added spaghetti sauce, and mixed in some cooked brown rice flavored with chicken and tomato bouillon. Each of those things on their own - delicious... but would have just ended up on the floor (I've witnessed this in the past, ok maybe not the spaghetti sauce). All mixed together Seth could not get enough. Crazy kid.

I just realized I have not posted a picture since Seth was 11 months! Tsk tsk, what a slacker!

Here's one that kind of fits with the theme of this post. He loves his kiwi!
That's it for now. I promise more this weekend!

Recovery

D&c went pretty well. My only frustration was that we asked about 3 times that they make sure to retrieve Eric from the waiting room as soon as I started to wake up. Then when I woke up he was no where to be seen. I sat there by myself for a good 5-10 minutes before Dr. H poked his head in to see how I was (distraught) and went to get Eric for me. PLUS - no toast! In recovery they always had this wonderful buttered toast, but apparently it was decided that nurses can't make toast without a food handler's permit. Can you believe that? Then the orderly or whoever she was took her sweet time to come get me to go home, so I sat in the hall in a wheel chair by myself again for another 5-10 minutes since Eric had gone to pull the car around. Anyway, all of the other nurses and doctors were extremely kind and sympathetic and took really good care of me. We got home around noon and discovered that Seth finally decided to mimic "Mama" when we say it (lately his only "word" has been something that sounds like "dadun?"). So that pretty much made my day. I'm feeling pretty good so I might decide to go back to work Thursday instead of Friday. I'd love to milk it for a little longer, but I have so much to do I really need to get back to it. But I am going to enjoy relaxing for one more day at least. Thanks for everyone's prayers and love. I am blessed.

Never to have known, but to have loved.

After a long few days of my heart wrestling with my mind, my mind won. Eric and I talked about it a lot over the weekend and decided that in the end we trusted that our doctors would not tell us there was no hope unless they were 100% sure there was no hope. Even so, we kept our appointment this morning and reviewed all of our concerns again with Natalia. She assured us that she does not take this stuff lightly and if she had any doubts she would not hesitate to order another ultrasound. But she had reviewed my ultrasounds multiple times with Dr. H and they both agreed that this one was definitely not meant to be. I told her that taking the medication at home was not something I wanted to try. My first miscarriage was at home and it was horrible and traumatic and then I ended up having to have a d&c anyway. So that was it, I am checking in tomorrow at 7am with my mind relatively at ease. And by 'relatively' I just mean that no matter what, the situation sucks obviously. I'm determined to make the best of it though. For starters, as soon as I'm up to it I plan on starting some rigorous training for Bloomsday. And thankfully I have a little 24.6lb whirling dervish running around at home to remind me that my body really DOES know what to do, when it feels like cooperating.

Still 6 weeks :(

My head is spinning a little and starting to ache from all the crying that's gone on this afternoon. My 2nd ultrasound was today and it was not good news. It looked a lot different to me this week. Less blob like, more cashew like. But the technician said it was still measuring 6 weeks with no heart beat and she said that's not a good sign. So we went in to see my provider who said she was sorry and that she said she wanted to give me some medicine to "get things going" if you know what I mean. I was pretty tearful and really confused because of how unsure I was of there being a heart beat last week and if I was still only 6 weeks then maybe it was just too early. I asked if she was sure and so she brought in her computer and went over the two ultrasounds step by step. I don't remember everything in detail but I do know that she said there was a yolk sac, where there wasn't one visible last time. Also that last week's crown-rump length was 3.2mm and this week it was 3.5mm. She also said that last week there was a heart beat and this week there was not, although I could read right on the screen that the U/S report said there "appears" to be cardiac activity. So anyway the bottom line is I was 99.9% crushed but not ready to just cut my losses and move on. I said I wasn't comfortable taking any medication just yet and I wanted to just wait and see what happened. She said she wanted to talk to me on Monday and see how I was feeling. She did say I should stop taking the progesterone. By the way she also mentioned that she had discussed all of this with Dr. H before coming in to talk with me.

The last time I saw a little cashew on that ultrasound screen it was about 15 mm and had a heart beat that I could see with my own eyes. As you can imagine I've done a lot of research on early fetal development and most of what I've found in what I'd call "mainstream" literature says that it's possible to not detect a heart beat when the CRL is less than 5mm. But I've also seen a few recent scientific publications that conclude that the absence of cardiac activity at CRL >= 3.5mm is 100% predictive (of demise).

So that's where we're at. I guess you could say I have my doubts but I am not exactly hopeful. I still don't want to rush into anything and to be honest I'm not excited about the prospect of either a drug induced m/c or a d/c. Yuck. So I am hoping that whatever happens just happens on its own and we can get on with our lives. Ugh. 4 out of 5, seriously?? It does not get any easier.

Ambiguous 6 week ultrasound

That's right, I'm only 6 weeks by u/s. So the good news is that it's not ectopic but that's about all we know. 6 weeks is right around when the heart usually starts beating so it wasn't totally apparent that pregnancy #5 is progressing as it should. The ultrasound technician took her sweet time even getting to that part, I might add. While she was first measuring my ovaries from about 100 different angles I was thinking to myself "did you NOT hear me say that I had 3 miscarriages and I'm a little anxious to see a heartbeat?!?" Finally when we got a look at the blob there was no heart beat visible to me, sadly, and I started to freak out a little inside. But she said she thought she could see some cardiac activity and measured it at 82 beats per minute. At first she wasn't sure if it was mine or the baby's but did eventually conclude that it was baby's. So we wrapped up and I cried a little while we were waiting to see Dr. H, thankfully it wasn't too long.

Dr. H came in and said basically what I already knew. Based strictly on my last period I should be 11 weeks along but since I was still breastfeeding it is totally possible and even likely that the dates are off. He said 6 weeks is a terrible time to do an ultrasound because it's right on the border of when you should see a heart beat and when you shouldn't. Long story short he ordered another one in a week and then we'll know more. Next week we'll be looking for growth at the very minimum and hopefully a more reassuring heart beat that even I can see.

So I am frustrated. I think everything is fine, 6 weeks makes sense based on how I'm feeling and some of the other evidence such as when I stopped having so many migraines. But it still would have been nice to have a definitive YES everything is fine and not have to suffer through a long 7 days (or more) of wondering. I asked Dr. H if he could give me something to make me just go to sleep and wake up in a week and he just laughed and suggested Unisom might help if I'm not able to sleep.

Anyway, it might be kind of quiet on here. I suppose I could (and should) blog about Seth. Someone was telling me it had been awhile since they saw any updated pictures. Thankfully work is crazy busy so the days have been going by relatively fast. Adios!

OB Visit Numero Uno

We had our first OB appointment yesterday afternoon. It was quite the circus with Seth there plus my provider Natalia had a nursing student shadowing her so it got a little crowded and chaotic at times. We may have to get a baby sitter in the future but needless to say it was invaluable to have Eric there for toddler wrangling. He was almost not going to make it but I'm glad he did.

Not a whole lot to report yet. I weigh 156 which is 2 lbs less than what I weighed at my first OB visit with Seth. My blood pressure was 102/64 which is awesome. Natalia said my cervix is healthy and my uterus is about the size of a grapefruit. Sweet!

I can't take Imitrex any more for my migraines because it constricts the blood vessels and we don't want any constricting of the placenta. So that is a bummer, although the good news is my migraines are a lot fewer and farther between when I am with child. I've only had one in about the last 3 weeks or so and I was getting them once or twice a week on average, since Seth was born. Anyway, I kind of rolled my eyes when she said I could take Tylenol and she said if they get too unbearable then to call and they might be able to give me something stronger. I'm not sure how helpful that will be since I have tried everything under the sun and so far only Imitrex has done the trick. But we'll see. Hopefully I won't have to worry about it.

My hip has been aching off and on and we talked about that. It was really important to her that I continue exercising, just not too high impact. Actually exercise doesn't aggravate my hip at all, if anything it makes it feel better. Mainly it aches when I am sitting down not doing anything. She said that is pretty normal since I did have an injury and besides all your joints and ligaments loosen up during pregnancy as we all know. How else can an 8lb child come out of that small a space? Just sayin... Still, she referred me to a physical/massage therapist who specializes in pregnancy so I am looking forward to that. She said all her girls love it. Anyway, I am supposed to keep my heart rate below 145 when I exercise, which will be a challenge for me. I am used to at least 155-160ish.

I can't remember much else. We did get an ultrasound scheduled for next Thursday, to confirm viability (shudder) and firm up my due date. That's at 2:15 and I'll follow up with Dr. H at 3pm.

Oh, and I am a teeny tiny bit anemic but that's probably because the gummy prenatal vitamin I have been taking doesn't have any iron in it. Boo. So I'm going to have to switch to one with iron which is sad because the gummy ones are so good! I guess I can just get some gummy candies and eat those instead. As for morning sickness, it's been basically non-existent so far. Yesterday I did feel a little queasy off and on in the early afternoon but I can't really complain. My appetite has just been a little off, I feel like I'm eating out of habit because usually nothing really sounds good. But don't get me wrong... if something delicious is put in front of me I will happily devour the whole entire thing and then lick the plate clean.

On another tangent - my new book arrived today: Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. Yup, it's time. Seth needs some parenting, dangit! He is really such a great kid, I have to wonder how we got so lucky! But I do think that even though he is so good (and of course Eric and I are naturally good parents!) , we could so easily screw it all up if we don't have a game plan. So far I've just read chapters 1 and 2 but I already really like the philosophy. It's making a lot of sense to me so far, and it's come highly recommended from multiple parents that seem like they know what they are doing. :)

I could go on and on but dang, it's gotten late! But before I forget, Seth ate POPCORN today while I was getting the oil changed in my car. It never ceases to amaze me what this kid can eat without all of his teeth!