Merry Christmas Eve!

FINALLY! I ended up at a grand total of 41 days. Dang! That is such a long time to wait. And it really limits the number of opportunities I have to get pregnant in a year. But anyway, my little friend is finally here. And as I expected, it puts those important days 5-9 right smack in the middle of not only the holidays but the biggest accumulation of snow I have ever seen in Spokane. I called Inland Imaging and had to beg them to squeeze me in. The only time they had was Wednesday the 31st, checking in at 12:45pm. Which is totally LAME because Eric and I were supposed to be leaving for Whitefish MT for New Year's that day. We'll still get to leave I guess, just not nearly as early as we had hoped. I called my doctor's office to see if they could fit me in there, and of course the scheduler for what I need isn't there (sonohystogram or hysterosonogram, I have heard both now). So they said they would call me :(

Breaking records

Well yesterday Spokane got a record breaking amount of snow. And today is day Thirty Seven for me and still no sign of my period. Dangit! So this means I am going to have to call and reschedule again for what, Christmas Eve? The day after Christmas? Who knows. At this point it is anyone's guess. And yes, I have taken a pregnancy test. Nada. Boo.

DAY THIRTY THREE

I called this morning to reschedule the sonohysterogram because still no sign of my little friend, and if it comes tomorrow then Friday will be too early. So they fit me in on Monday which means if I start tomorrow, Wednesday, or Thursday then I'll be okay. But if not, I am guessing it might be tricky to get me scheduled with Christmas and everything going on. Then I might have to wait until next month, which would really suck. I am hoping it won't be an issue though because really my longest cycle in over a year has been 34 days -- so cross your fingers for me! This is really inconvenient not having any clue what my cycle is going to be like. I was SURE that with my thyroid medication I would suddenly be running like clockwork. Not so much I guess. Thankfully, it is Christmas time, so lots of distractions and other reasons to be happy :)

28 days

This is it, I should be expecting my little monthly friend any day now. I am excited to see if it comes sooner rather than later. I have been feeling a little under the weather the last couple of days, really nauseated and stuff, so I did take a pregnancy test yesterday (negative) just out of curiousity. I was not really expecting anything because we have not been trying but I guess the last positive one I had I wasn't expecting that either. So next Friday I have my sonohysterogram first thing in the morning and then it will be time to get serious. Yippee! I can't wait. But I am so nervous! All this not finding anything wrong business is really screwing with my head. The terror is setting in right along with the excitement. Now if only I wasn't feeling so yucky… and if only I could lose like 15 lbs… and if only it would snow… and if only I could find Evie's "Come on ring those bells" album on something other than vinyl… and ok I'm done now.

Dream

I had the craziest dream last night about that test I have coming up. I had gone to the doctor for something else and they decided that it couldn't wait. They called up "the place" and they had an opening. I was driving and taking a couple of nurses with me. While I was waiting I noticed there were these huge freezers FULL of ice cream at my doctor's office. I asked someone what that was about and they said they had ice cream parties all the time. So driving to the place where the test was to take place, I went the wrong way and got lost. Finally we got there only to find out we had to be in another building. To make a long story short it was going to be in this huge warehouse full of people who were WATCHING. What??? And just before it began the doctor that was there decided they couldn't do it for some reason. It wasn't totally clear to me but it seemed like maybe he thought I was pregnant already. Which reminds me, the last time I dreamed I was pregnant, it turned out that I WAS! Yikes, wouldn't that be crazy?

Patience

I'm always reminded by all of this what a lesson in patience it is. And it reminds me of a quote from my favorite movie:

"You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles."

How true. How fitting.

Oh bother

Inland Imaging called today to schedule my little scan, but it has to be done between days 5-9 of my cycle. Guess what? Today is day 9. So obviously now I have to wait until next month, which is stressful because I never really have known how long my cycle will be. So as of right now I am scheduled for the 19th, which could be day 9, or 8, or 7, or 6, or 5 if and only if my cycle is between 28 and 33 days. So who knows what the next month will bring. This year I have had 29, 30, 33, 34, and 38 day cycles. I guess the odds are in my favor with that track record (that my appointment will be on the right day). Dang, I am just imagining how boring this must be to read. It's like a freaking statistics book or something. Anyway, it just goes to show how annoying insurance companies can be. It is their fault that I haven't had it already, and I still don't know if it needs to be pre-authorized or not. And if something happens and I can't get it done in December, then of course I am back to ground zero with my deductible, and that will make me very upset.

"All Normal"

We got the results of all my many blood tests yesterday and everything was normal. The whole panel of stuff my OB did, as well as my thyroid re-check. "All Normal" Ha! So I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm glad there's nothing "wrong" with me but for Pete's sake, why oh why must it be a mystery. My personal, amateur opinion is that it was my thyroid all along. After my 2nd m/c Dr. H said "hmm that might be worth checking" but then we never did. I only had it checked after I got pregnant the 3rd time, and didn't start the medication until then. But when I told Dr. H my thyroid was low he said it was unlikely to be the issue. Which doesn't really match up with what I've read on the old information superhighway. Even the website HE recommended talks about hypothyroidism resulting in increased rates of miscarriage.

Still waiting for my insurance company to preauthorize the sonohysterogram. Joy.

Day 1!

Well today I realized why I've been in such a bad mood for the last week or so ;) Whoohoo for day 1! It took just a little over 5 weeks this time, which in my mind is a good thing, especially since after my last D&C it took a full 8 weeks to get going again.

I haven't heard any results yet, which probably means it was all normal. I had my thyroid re-checked also on Monday and I haven't heard back from that yet either. So the next step is to schedule my sonohysterogram and then wait. I hate waiting (imagine this being said in the voice of Inigo Montoya because that is how I hear it in my head).

Oh, and...

Dr. H said we should wait until I get my period, and then get it again before trying again. So depending on how long that takes, it could be 2009, eek! I really wanted to have at least one kid before I was 30, but hey this wouldn't be the first time God changed my plans.

I added a picture of me and Max because he has been my pseudo baby ever since he came along. He is very tolerant of the corporal cuddling and I'm grateful for that.

Bittersweet

At long last, I have a little update. Eric and I had an appointment with Dr. H today. They had done some chromosome testing on what they were able to retrieve during the D&C. He said everything was normal, and it was a baby boy! That really pulled at our heart strings a little, I don't think either one of us was prepared for that information. It was a little easier when I was only thinking of it as a blob, but not really that much. We had a little Eric Jr. *sniff* Anyway, it's nice to know that there was no genetic abnormality which kind of narrows it down to a problem with me (or just bad luck). Sweet! After I get my period again, which may not be for a couple more weeks, we are going to do a sonohysterogram to check my uterus for abnormalities. Basically a sonohysterogram is an ultrasound, but they inject fluid into the uterus so they can see a little better what's going on in there. Dr. H said that is unlikely there will be any issues because I've already had 5 ultrasounds this year and they all looked fine. He also ordered a laundry list of bloodwork which required not 2, not 3, not 5, but NINE vials of blood. One of which had to go on ice! Wow, that was a lot of blood. I didn't have time to write down every single test on the order form, but here's what I remember:

Factor V Leiden - an inherited disorder of blood clotting
ANA Prothombin 20210 - another coagulation factor
Antithrombin III - another coagulation thing
Protein C and S activity & antigen - another coagulation thing
Homocysteine - an amino acid that has been linked to recurrent miscarriages
CARD - I think this was the Anticardiolipin antibodies that I was already tested for
Lupus anticoag something or other - also been tested for that already

Whew! So anyway, from the sounds of it, we could do ALL of those tests and still find nothing wrong. Dr. H said in all of history the odds are still in my favor (better than 50% is what he said) to have a healthy pregnancy even after three losses in a row. And while we were waiting I also read in a magazine that the odds are still 72% or so after 3. Sooo, I'm anxious to hear back… it's a little strange though. It's not like I WANT there to be something wrong…. But I feel like there should be SOME explanation for me going through this hell. And obviously if there is something wrong, it better be something we can fix… easily. So keep me in your prayers. Patience is not my virtue.

What's next?

Nothing much to share just yet. I have an appointment November 5th with my doctor to check in and hopefully come up with a game plan for making me a mommy. Besides that I am taking this opportunity to make another attempt at dropping a few pounds before I get pregnant again. The last couple weeks have been fun eating whatever I wanted including multiple containers of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. But those days are gone. I promise to be good and even get some exercise!

Back to (almost) normal

Well it has been almost a week and things are pretty much settling down. I haven't quite let go of my daily habitual Carefree Bodyshape Unscented... you know, but it's really just in case. I haven't even had any pain medication today - ok that is a lie, I took some ibuprofen this morning, but that was really for the sore throat that is threatening my well being. Back to school tomorrow - yuck - I have a 10 page paper due already in two weeks. So that is a little scary. But most thoughts of pregnancy are gone from my mind. The trick is remembering all the other things I am thankful for. It's pretty hard to feel bad when you start listing them off in your mind.... here's my current (rotating) top 5:

1. I have a loving husband
2. I have a job
3. I have a roof over my head
4. I can enjoy a glass of Merlot while I wait for dinner to be ready
5. Did I mention my husband is making me dinner?

Surgery

So now that I'm a little calmer, I'll try to give a little play by play of the last 36 hours or so since my last post. Monday afternoon of course I cried buckets of tears and generally just moped around feeling very sorry for myself. That amount of crying always gives me the worst headache, which was still going strong when I woke up at 7am Tuesday. I'd set my alarm to take my thyroid medicine since they told me to get that down before 8am. After that I couldn't get back to sleep so I rolled around for awhile and finally got up around 8:30 and started to get ready. It was really a miserable morning. First there was the headache, then I wasn't allowed to eat anything so I alternated between feeling like I was starving to death and like I was going to throw up. We headed over to the surgery center a little after 10am (they had moved my surgery up to noon). Sitting in the waiting room I dissolved into tears when I saw the cutest little girl walk by wearing a pink Seahawks jersey with her blonde hair in braids. Ugh. I had my blood drawn (hemogram with platelets) and didn't have to wait too long after that before going back to pre-op.

Everyone was SO nice, including the anesthesiologist, which I was a little surprised about. Usually men in general just don't know how to react, but even he said he was really sorry and actually asked how we were doing with all this. Plus he ordered a couple doses of Fentanyl for my headache while we waited, which was super. I cried again when he told us that he and his wife had 3 losses too but now they have 4 kids. So anyway, I got changed into my hospital gown, answered a million questions about my health history, got my IV put in, got a dose of Fentanyl, went to the bathroom, got another dose of Fentanyl, all the while covered in warm blankets and alternating between chatting with Eric and staring off into space (I was pretty much in la la land at that point). Finally I said goodbye to Eric and they wheeled me back to the operating room. I climbed up on the table and the last thing I remember is the oxygen mask going on.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery. Although waking up probably isn't technically correct because I had only been heavily sedated, not "asleep". It felt like waking up though. I started crying again. Ate some toast, drank some 7-up, used the ladies room, took some pain pills, got dressed, and went home. Natalie brought over some delicious Pho and I spent the rest of the day not moving much, watching 13 going on 30, The Sandlot, and the first season of Friends. I finally dragged myself down to bed around 10:30pm.

So now here I am. I'm still a little loopy in general but my last pain pills were more than 12 hours ago and I don't feel a thing. I guess we'll see how it goes. I know they numbed the area so it might take awhile for that to wear off. Now we begin the long game of waiting to try again. Last time it was exactly 8 weeks from the D&C before my period started again. So that will take us to the first week of December. I'm interested though to see how my cycles pan out now that I'm taking the Synthroid.

I also just want to say how much I appreciate everyone's prayers and everything. It is really encouraging to know people are reading and caring. I hope someday soon I will have some happier news for everyone :)

It's over

The ultrasound showed absolutely no growth from last week. Dr. H said there's no doubt it's over. So I'm having a D&C tomorrow. I check in at 12:30pm.

Random

I had to wake up before 4am today to do a little update on a couple of my servers for work. I'm sitting here bored waiting for it to finish so you're stuck with my early morning thoughts. Maybe being pregnant has triggered our social responsibility - I'm happy to report that as of yesterday Eric and I are both registered to vote! I actually was registered already but now our addresses are current and everything so we'll actually get our ballots in the mail. I haven't watched any debates yet but last night I watched Sarah Palin's VP acceptance speech, and Barack Obama's democratic nomination acceptance speech (I heart On Demand). That's all. No opinions formulated yet, although my readings about the US health care system are starting to make Obama's "change change change" sound pretty good. Now don't get all excited people and freak out, that does not mean I am voting for him. Like I said, I've only just begun my "research." Who knows, I may just write someone in... anyone interested?

Patience

Whew, I made it through the work week. I can't say I really accomplished much... but I made it. Nothing really new to share, still spotting a little but it's tapered off quite a bit. Similar pattern to the last time a month ago. I can't believe it has been a month! This is so surreal. Anyway, just crossing my fingers until Monday. In the meantime I have lots of reading to do for SCHOOL which started up again Tuesday night. I cannot wait to be done with school. This quarter my grade is 30% paper #1, 30% paper #2, 30% presentation on paper #2, and 10% participation. No group work which I am grateful for, I'm not feeling very social right now. And the topic is the US health care system, which is actually quite interesting to me. I'm grateful to have health insurance, especially under the circumstances. I have been thumbing through some medical bills - each ultrasound is billed at around $600 and I've had FOUR this year already, soon to be five. My two D&C bills totaled almost $5000 from the hospital (I paid $125). Not to mention 20 or so blood draws at around $65 each. Wowsers. And who knows what it will end up costing to figure out what the heck is wrong with me (or us) in the event of a 3rd loss. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Galations 5:22 - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience...

Freaking out

I am super nervous. I started spotting again last night. Still just a little, and it's brown, but still really frustrating. Although, the ultrasound tech yesterday pointed out there were some little pockets of fluid in my uterus that were probably blood, so I guess I'm not surprised that it would eventually come out. I was kind of expecting it actually. I also just realized that today it's been exactly 33 days from when I *thought* I got my period in August, which was 33 days after my *real* last period in July. So I guess that is not all that unusual either to have spotting around the time of your period. Can I say period a few more times? I think that is enough. Of course this morning I was also freaking out because it seemed like my boobs weren't sore anymore, but now they seem to be a little. Less than yesterday but still a little. This is way too stressful, I can't handle it.

Psalm 46:10 - Be still and know that I am God.

Research

Today's ultrasound looked something in between the pictures from week 5 and week 6 on this website. I also read here that if the embryo is less than 5mm (1/2 centimeter) then it is possible for it to be healthy without showing a heartbeat, but a follow up u/s in 5-7 days should show cardiac activity. Again, you can find pretty much anything you want to hear on the internet ;)

TMI warning!

Unfortunately I am 110% positive on my dates. I have a giant number 1 (first day of my period) written with a Sharpie and circled on my Seahawks calendar on July 26th. Also another July 26th number 1 circled in red pen on another year at a glance calendar that I had folded up in my planner. I have been obsessively tracking my cycles for the past 18 months so I am pretty sure about that date anyway. However, my cycles are typically on the long side, I had one last year that was 42 days, but 33-35 is more "normal." And then there is that other thing you have to DO in order to get pregnant. Honestly I wasn't quite as OCD tracking those days but I have a general idea of when we were probably taking days off, especially when I *thought* the window was closed.

Ok THAT is enough. I can't believe I just wrote that. Seriously. I'm sorry.

State of Confusion

I just got back from my ultrasound appointment. I don't know if the ultrasound technician I had today was just a thousand times more skilled than those that went before her, but my heart started to beat very fast as she zoomed in on what was CLEARLY an embryo looking type thing. There was still no visible heart beat or blood flow but she pointed out a "little" pole. She said it looked to be about half a centimeter long, which she thought was the same as last time, but she said she'd have to go look at the report. Personally, I swear things were not looking like that last week, all I saw was a little blob. She sent us back to the waiting room so she could fill out her report and I sat there and cried wondering what the heck was going on. THEN we got called back to the exam room and the nurse said she was confused about me. She took my vitals and left, and then Dr. H came in and said we must all be pretty confused. UGH!

Basically over my last three ultrasounds, my gestational age measurements have gone from 4 weeks, to 5 weeks, to 6 weeks today. So "something" is clearly growing. Dr. H said they weren't able to get a "crown rump" measurement, and there was no heartbeat, but he kept talking about how I was still sort of in the range of normals. I got the impression he still thinks things aren't going well, but that there was no DEFINITIVE bad news today. Get this, he said (paraphrase) your measurements aren't textbook, but unfortunately babies don't read textbooks. Ha! He said the ball was in my court - we could go ahead with the D&C or wait and do another ultrasound. My choice hinged on whether I wanted to just put this behind me or drive myself crazy for another week. I said I would choose driving myself crazy for another week over driving myself crazy for the rest of my life (going ahead with the D&C and always wondering whether or not if I had waited the baby would have kept growing). He said he thought that was wise.

So there you have it. We cancelled my surgery appointment on Wednesday and I have another U/S scheduled next Monday, same bat time, same bat place.

More waiting

Can I just say how tired I am of all the pregnancy symptoms? I know I've said this before but it bugs me more and more with every passing day. My boobs are sore, I'm exhausted, I feel sick, and it just keeps getting worse. Don't get me wrong, I promise I would not be complaining if it weren't for the complete darkness at the end of the tunnel. I just do not appreciate the constant reminder that I'm "technically" pregnant, but haha there will be no reward at the end, pffbbbbbbbbbbt. It's really more irritating than depressing though. I've been praying for God to give me peace and He's definitely answering that. I have been feeling pretty calm and accepting of the whole situation most of the time, which is confusing in a way... but good too because being sad hurts so much. I guess it is really just nice that we have control over our thoughts. I suppose I'm not sad all the time mainly because I'm not thinking about it all the time. Which is even stranger because I really AM thinking about it all the time.... I'm just *focusing* on other things more. Does that make sense?

Colossians 3:2 - Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

The home stretch?

Eric and I had a pretty nice talk with Dr. H today at my appointment. We went in with our list of questions and came out feeling pretty happy and somewhat in control of our destiny. Well, that's the way I felt anyway, I can't really speak for Eric. Here's a rundown of what we talked about:

First, I asked him to go over the first two ultrasounds in detail. He explained that there were a number of things they look for sequentially (he said he just came from an ultrasound class, actually). At the very beginning, there is a gestational sac, then a yolk sac inside of that, then a fetal pole, and then cardiac activity, etc. On my first ultrasound there was just a gestational sac and not much else to speak of, and based on my LMP I should have been 6 weeks or something like that. Unfortunately I didn't get exact dates written down, sorry. So then on my second ultrasound, which was 11 days later, the gestational sac showed about 6 more days of growth and still not much else in the way of something that should eventually grow into a baby (I really hate the "f" word so I'm not going to use it). He said by now we should be clearly seeing a heartbeat, as I am more than 8 weeks along. He did also say there is a wide variation obviously in the "standard" stages but at this point he really doesn't think this will be a successful pregnancy.

So, options… Since I'm not bleeding or in pain or anything we could just wait and see if I have a miscarriage on my own. That could be weeks or months from now. Yuck. Then there is always a chance I will need a D&C anyway. Then there is medicine I can take to induce cramping and all that. Yuck. Then there is always a chance I will need a D&C anyway. I am not a fan of waiting around and I am also not a fan of being nauseous and tired for no reason. So we scheduled another ultrasound for Monday, just to make sure no miracles have happened. And we set up an appointment for the D&C Wednesday morning - to be canceled in the event of the aforementioned miracle. Before that, we had discussed the pros and cons of the D&C and in the end decided that the risks are very minimal and unlikely to cause problems down the road.

Then… changing gears and assuming there would be no miracle, I said now what? He said get ready to have a laundry list of lab tests. Apparently if I felt like a pincushion before, I'm only just getting started. He did want to have the results from my other doctor faxed over so he could take a look. But he said usually he would prefer to wait until all traces of this pregnancy are gone just to make sure that is not influencing anything before taking more blood. We asked him specifically if either one of us should completely stop drinking alcohol and he said something about taking a lesson from the Italians - wine hasn't stopped them from having babies, obviously. He said it wouldn't hurt to cut back on caffeine if I drink a lot, but the jury is still out on whether or not that is a factor. He said 1 cup of coffee a day probably is okay. At this point I haven't been drinking it anyway, so that won't be hard.

That is about all I can remember. Oh, I mentioned that my thyroid had been a little low and he said that was unlikely to have caused the miscarriages but go ahead and take the pills, it will make me feel a lot better. So that will be interesting. It is funny because it seemed like everything we talked about he felt was "unlikely" to be a factor, but he also said it is unusual to have three miscarriages in a row. So I wonder what he thinks the problem is?

But speaking of miracles, I was chatting with the surgery scheduler today after my appointment and she was saying that she had two m/c before having her four beautiful children. She had been really discouraged and talked to Dr. H about it and his angle was that getting pregnant at all is so unbelievably amazing - all the right things have to happen at the right time under the right conditions with all the right chromosomes, etc, etc, etc. There are just SO many things that can go wrong, and when you finally get all the "stars to line up" so to speak, and the very best egg and sperm meet and it all falls into place, it is so worth the wait. Isn't that nice?

Bad news

I had another ultrasound this morning and to my untrained eye, it didn't look much like anything had changed since the last one. The tech didn't say much either and we were sent back out to the waiting room until my follow up appointment with the ARNP. She came in and said unfortunately there doesn't appear to be a live pregnancy progressing. We pressed for more information and she explained (I am paraphrasing of course) that based on the size of the gestational sac, I should be 8 weeks along, and at that point there should clearly be some cardiac activity going on. We talked about what's next - wait and see or D&C and I asked if I should keep taking the progesterone or what. She consulted with another Dr. for a minute and came back and recommended stopping the progesterone since that could be dragging this out. And we made an appointment with my doctor for Wednesday at 2pm. She said 3 consecutive losses puts me in "a whole new category" and we should pow wow with Dr. H. Seriously, she actually said "pow wow". I also got a shot of Rhogam. And now I am at work.

I also got a call back this morning from my other doctor with my lab results. They said everything looked good/normal, except my thyroid which was just a little low. Aha! She prescribed 50 micrograms of Synthroid (?) daily and recommended a recheck in 6-8 weeks. So I guess that is something to talk with the doc about on Wednesday.

Tap tap tap

My stomach is in knots today. The closer I get to tomorrow I just get more and more nervous. At this point I am also pretty much assuming that it's going to be bad news. Hence the nervousness. So I'm keeping busy to pass the time. I painted my nails today - twice. And I just made homemade linguine with my new pasta roller attachment for my mixer. That was fun. And now I'm going to go make some banana bread.

Speranza ...

... that's italian for "Hope". I'm not sure if it's the noun, as in "don't give up hope," or verb as in, "I really hope I have a baby in May" I guess either situation applies. I really don't have anything new to report today as far as factual information regarding my situation. But I did read this article last night which said sometimes as a pregnancy progresses, the time for an hcg to double can increase to 4 days or more. And it was written by an MD, on WebMD, so it can't be completely bogus. And further internet searches found lots of other sources saying once the hcg is above 6,000 then it starts taking longer to double. Not to mention that everyone is just different. You can't fit a pregnancy into a perfect little pregnancy shaped box, it just doesn't work that way. So I decided not to be depressed until I get more definitive evidence that it's over. What's the point? Crying is exhausting, and I already did a lot of that last Wednesday. Not only that but it's absolutely not helping anything to be bawling my eyes all day.

So let's just wait and see what happens on Monday. 81 more hours. I can do it!

Not so good news

My hcg came back from yesterday at nine thousand something, which isn't good, it should have been closer to 16,000ish. So I am waiting for the nurse to run it by my doctor and call me back with our next move. I can't describe how unfair it is to be completely nauseous and exhausted and knowing it's all for nothing. I had an appointment with my family doc today and told her all about the situation and my history so she ordered all sorts of labs just to see what might be going on.

4pm update: I now have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday morning, and a follow up appointment with an ARNP since my Dr. will be out of the office. The actual number was 9422.5, and the nurse was kind of half heartedly trying to be encouraging about it. But hope is pretty much slipping away from me at this point. It's going to be a long weekend.

4th time's a charm

On our way back in to town today we stopped by the office to have my blood drawn again for yet another hcg. Lindy got it on the first try, so I was in and out of there in about 60 seconds. I should get the results in the morning. Not much else to report besides the spotting has almost completely stopped, I feel nauseous if I am hungry or if I eat too much, and I could really use a siesta at around 3pm each afternoon.

Happy Birthday to Me!

The doctor's office just called and said my hcg from Friday was 4167.8 which wasn't completely doubled but it was pretty darn close (double would have been 4382.6). They said it was good though so they want to repeat it again on Wednesday when I get back and then go from there. She said depending on the results from that he may want to order another ultrasound early next week. This news to me is a little ambiguous. Like I said yesterday, I still won't feel any better until I see that little heart beating. But at least it's not clearly bad, so I can enjoy my day. We are going to wander around this little Bavarian village and go golfing this afternoon. Hip hip hooray!

Status unchanged

It's kind of funny how the closer I get to learning my fate, the more time seems to slow down. Friday afternoon wasn't bad at all, yesterday was okay, but today has been a little like torture at times. And I don't even know for sure that I'm going to feel any better if I hear tomorrow morning that my hcg doubled again. In fact, I already know that I'm not going to feel any better until they do another ultrasound and tell me that "it" is definitely a week bigger than it was before. If that makes any sense. My brain keeps having these big swings back and forth from "everything is definitely not okay" to "oh my gosh I'm going to have a baby in 8 months!" and back again. About 15 times a day. Going to the bathroom is like going to the electric chair, I'm so terrified of what I'm going to find in there. Thankfully, nothing too scary has happened in there for awhile. Although still I worry worry worry, mainly that the progesterone I'm taking is just prolonging the inevitable. I sure hope that I don't get bad news tomorrow, even though I still won't feel like I'm out of the woods. Because Eric and I have arrived in Leavenworth for my birthday getaway! And we are staying in the awesome Bavarian Lodge in a Turret Suite! It is sooooo cool. So anyway gotta go, we are going to watch The Sum of All Fears before we fall asleep in this heavenly bed with the Bavarian Teddy Bear between us on the pillow.

Waiting waiting waiting

Today I am at my mom's house and we discussed the whole situation this morning. I had been tossing around the idea of seeing another doctor and wasn't sure what to do. My mom decided we should call the labor and delivery department at the hospital and see what doctors they recommended. Long story short, the nurse in charge said (without knowing who my doctor was) that my doctor was excellent, and the only other one she recommended was another MD in the same office. So I guess I am in good hands at least expertise-wise. I still might get a second opinion depending on how this all turns out. In my over analytical brain I can think of lots of reasons why my doctor didn't jump to action. Maybe he is just more the type to answer questions asked of him rather than volunteering a lot of information. Maybe he feels like it is important to deal with this situation before looking ahead to next time. He has always seemed really concerned about my emotional well being. I still wish they would have freaking put stat on the order, how hard would that have been? Emotionally wouldn't I have been better off knowing yesterday if my hcg wasn't continuing to double? Or would that have just ruined my fun weekend that I had planned? Hmm, it's a toss up. I still have not lost all hope. My spotting has almost completely stopped. I have an almost constant dull achy crampy feeling which makes me a little nervous but to further complicate the situation, I have read specifically that the cramps from a miscarriage feel exactly like the pains from a normal growing uterus. So I'm just going to relax and have fun this weekend, it's not over until... well even that I don't really know.

Getting poked

I just got back from getting my blood drawn yet again. I think since last August I have had almost 25 holes poked in the veins in my arms, good grief, I feel like a pin cushion. The girl today was pretty good. She missed my vein on the first try but found it pretty quick after that. I didn't catch her name. The one on Monday was the worst, she was literally digging around in my arm, I think she tried like 4 times, ouch. Wednesday was Heather, who also didn't succeed on her first try, or her 2nd, but then she finally hit paydirt. I think I am done going there. The girl at my doctor's office is really the best, she has never missed, and she pokes veins that I can't even see. She says it's because she goes by feel instead of by sight, which is what they are trained to do. I can't figure out why she seems to be the only one who knows that. Although the ones at the Sacred Heart day surgery center haven't been bad either, so I guess that is my other option if the office is closed. At my first D&C the nurse also missed my vein on her first try at the IV. Luckily I was already numb at that point so it didn't matter. So that's me, small veins.

Anyway, I asked the phlebotomist today how long it would be for the results. They didn't put stat on the order so it will probably be Monday before I hear back, which is awesome. I love sweating these things out for days at a time. The diagnosis code that my doctor put on the order for the hcg quant was 634, which means miscarriage. So that's awesome too. Glad he has such a positive outlook on this. I guess he just didn't want to get my hopes up but I still can't help but feel like this could be handled better.

Day 6

It's hard to believe what a roller coaster ride it has already been. Just a quick recap of what has happened so far... August 28th I thought I had my period, then the following Thursday, September 4th I dreamed that I took two pregnancy tests and they were both positive. So after work on Friday I thought why not, and I took one. Much to my surprise and confusion, it was positive. So I took another one, which was also positive. I twiddled my thumbs all weekend passing the time and called the doctor first thing Monday. I went and had my blood drawn to find out for sure. Finally at around 4:30pm when I hadn't heard back, I called the office and they called back to let me know. Sure enough, my hcg was 968, so definitely pregnant. Wednesday morning I woke up to find that I was spotting and immediately started freaking out. I called in sick to work and went to have my blood drawn again. Twiddled my thumbs all day long, waiting, waiting, waiting. Just for the record I watched Twister, The Devil Wears Prada, No Reservations, and The Pursuit of Happyness. Finally I called the office at 3:00pm to check on things and they told me, oh lab results usually take about 48 hours. Uh, no I don't think so, try again. Finally they called me back a little after 4pm and said the lab's computers were down and they couldn't get my results. ARGH! I slept pretty good that night (last night) and heard back this morning that my hcg was 2191.3, which was more than double, which was good news. The nurse said she would talk to my doctor and get back to me. Around 2:30pm today she called back and said I could come in for an ultrasound. I practically sprinted out the door and to the office. The ultrasound tech pointed out the gestational sac and the yolk sac, as well as a 1cm cyst on my left ovary. Awesome, just perfect. In the meantime, Eric had arrived so we were sent to the waiting room and then to an exam room to wait for the doctor. He came in and said he was afraid he had bad news. He said based on my last period I should be showing about 6 1/2 weeks growth and he's seeing only about 4 weeks. So either I ovulated really late or things aren't going well. He also said that the sac was implanted way down low in my uterus, and they like to see it up higher, so that's also a bad sign. So I cried and called my boss to say I wouldn't be back to work today and went home. Later on I got a call from a friend from work who was in her former life an ARNP at an OB/GYN office for a long time. She said not to give up hope, he could be wrong, I have had really long cycles, stay positive, etc. So I'm really confused and conflicted and frustrated and sad and angry and not really happy at all. This is supposed to be joyful and I am just filled with dread. I am sick of going through this. I thought the third time would be a charm, but I'm not so sure anymore. Silly me to get excited over my good hcg levels. It stands to reason that 968 and 2191 would sound a lot better after my past.... now I can't remember them all but I think the highest I've heard was 564, and that was after I already knew I had lost it on my second one.

Anyway, Mandy suggested I start this blog, I suppose I'll want to remember this stuff. I was a little hesitant at first because I didn't want to start something and then just have to scrap it all if I have another miscarriage. But as Natalie pointed out once, it's a process. So I think maybe even if it ends badly this time, I might still want to document this for some unknown future reason. So here we go... I'm going in again tomorrow to get another hcg done so I guess there's more to come.