Freaking out

I am super nervous. I started spotting again last night. Still just a little, and it's brown, but still really frustrating. Although, the ultrasound tech yesterday pointed out there were some little pockets of fluid in my uterus that were probably blood, so I guess I'm not surprised that it would eventually come out. I was kind of expecting it actually. I also just realized that today it's been exactly 33 days from when I *thought* I got my period in August, which was 33 days after my *real* last period in July. So I guess that is not all that unusual either to have spotting around the time of your period. Can I say period a few more times? I think that is enough. Of course this morning I was also freaking out because it seemed like my boobs weren't sore anymore, but now they seem to be a little. Less than yesterday but still a little. This is way too stressful, I can't handle it.

Psalm 46:10 - Be still and know that I am God.

Research

Today's ultrasound looked something in between the pictures from week 5 and week 6 on this website. I also read here that if the embryo is less than 5mm (1/2 centimeter) then it is possible for it to be healthy without showing a heartbeat, but a follow up u/s in 5-7 days should show cardiac activity. Again, you can find pretty much anything you want to hear on the internet ;)

TMI warning!

Unfortunately I am 110% positive on my dates. I have a giant number 1 (first day of my period) written with a Sharpie and circled on my Seahawks calendar on July 26th. Also another July 26th number 1 circled in red pen on another year at a glance calendar that I had folded up in my planner. I have been obsessively tracking my cycles for the past 18 months so I am pretty sure about that date anyway. However, my cycles are typically on the long side, I had one last year that was 42 days, but 33-35 is more "normal." And then there is that other thing you have to DO in order to get pregnant. Honestly I wasn't quite as OCD tracking those days but I have a general idea of when we were probably taking days off, especially when I *thought* the window was closed.

Ok THAT is enough. I can't believe I just wrote that. Seriously. I'm sorry.

State of Confusion

I just got back from my ultrasound appointment. I don't know if the ultrasound technician I had today was just a thousand times more skilled than those that went before her, but my heart started to beat very fast as she zoomed in on what was CLEARLY an embryo looking type thing. There was still no visible heart beat or blood flow but she pointed out a "little" pole. She said it looked to be about half a centimeter long, which she thought was the same as last time, but she said she'd have to go look at the report. Personally, I swear things were not looking like that last week, all I saw was a little blob. She sent us back to the waiting room so she could fill out her report and I sat there and cried wondering what the heck was going on. THEN we got called back to the exam room and the nurse said she was confused about me. She took my vitals and left, and then Dr. H came in and said we must all be pretty confused. UGH!

Basically over my last three ultrasounds, my gestational age measurements have gone from 4 weeks, to 5 weeks, to 6 weeks today. So "something" is clearly growing. Dr. H said they weren't able to get a "crown rump" measurement, and there was no heartbeat, but he kept talking about how I was still sort of in the range of normals. I got the impression he still thinks things aren't going well, but that there was no DEFINITIVE bad news today. Get this, he said (paraphrase) your measurements aren't textbook, but unfortunately babies don't read textbooks. Ha! He said the ball was in my court - we could go ahead with the D&C or wait and do another ultrasound. My choice hinged on whether I wanted to just put this behind me or drive myself crazy for another week. I said I would choose driving myself crazy for another week over driving myself crazy for the rest of my life (going ahead with the D&C and always wondering whether or not if I had waited the baby would have kept growing). He said he thought that was wise.

So there you have it. We cancelled my surgery appointment on Wednesday and I have another U/S scheduled next Monday, same bat time, same bat place.

More waiting

Can I just say how tired I am of all the pregnancy symptoms? I know I've said this before but it bugs me more and more with every passing day. My boobs are sore, I'm exhausted, I feel sick, and it just keeps getting worse. Don't get me wrong, I promise I would not be complaining if it weren't for the complete darkness at the end of the tunnel. I just do not appreciate the constant reminder that I'm "technically" pregnant, but haha there will be no reward at the end, pffbbbbbbbbbbt. It's really more irritating than depressing though. I've been praying for God to give me peace and He's definitely answering that. I have been feeling pretty calm and accepting of the whole situation most of the time, which is confusing in a way... but good too because being sad hurts so much. I guess it is really just nice that we have control over our thoughts. I suppose I'm not sad all the time mainly because I'm not thinking about it all the time. Which is even stranger because I really AM thinking about it all the time.... I'm just *focusing* on other things more. Does that make sense?

Colossians 3:2 - Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

The home stretch?

Eric and I had a pretty nice talk with Dr. H today at my appointment. We went in with our list of questions and came out feeling pretty happy and somewhat in control of our destiny. Well, that's the way I felt anyway, I can't really speak for Eric. Here's a rundown of what we talked about:

First, I asked him to go over the first two ultrasounds in detail. He explained that there were a number of things they look for sequentially (he said he just came from an ultrasound class, actually). At the very beginning, there is a gestational sac, then a yolk sac inside of that, then a fetal pole, and then cardiac activity, etc. On my first ultrasound there was just a gestational sac and not much else to speak of, and based on my LMP I should have been 6 weeks or something like that. Unfortunately I didn't get exact dates written down, sorry. So then on my second ultrasound, which was 11 days later, the gestational sac showed about 6 more days of growth and still not much else in the way of something that should eventually grow into a baby (I really hate the "f" word so I'm not going to use it). He said by now we should be clearly seeing a heartbeat, as I am more than 8 weeks along. He did also say there is a wide variation obviously in the "standard" stages but at this point he really doesn't think this will be a successful pregnancy.

So, options… Since I'm not bleeding or in pain or anything we could just wait and see if I have a miscarriage on my own. That could be weeks or months from now. Yuck. Then there is always a chance I will need a D&C anyway. Then there is medicine I can take to induce cramping and all that. Yuck. Then there is always a chance I will need a D&C anyway. I am not a fan of waiting around and I am also not a fan of being nauseous and tired for no reason. So we scheduled another ultrasound for Monday, just to make sure no miracles have happened. And we set up an appointment for the D&C Wednesday morning - to be canceled in the event of the aforementioned miracle. Before that, we had discussed the pros and cons of the D&C and in the end decided that the risks are very minimal and unlikely to cause problems down the road.

Then… changing gears and assuming there would be no miracle, I said now what? He said get ready to have a laundry list of lab tests. Apparently if I felt like a pincushion before, I'm only just getting started. He did want to have the results from my other doctor faxed over so he could take a look. But he said usually he would prefer to wait until all traces of this pregnancy are gone just to make sure that is not influencing anything before taking more blood. We asked him specifically if either one of us should completely stop drinking alcohol and he said something about taking a lesson from the Italians - wine hasn't stopped them from having babies, obviously. He said it wouldn't hurt to cut back on caffeine if I drink a lot, but the jury is still out on whether or not that is a factor. He said 1 cup of coffee a day probably is okay. At this point I haven't been drinking it anyway, so that won't be hard.

That is about all I can remember. Oh, I mentioned that my thyroid had been a little low and he said that was unlikely to have caused the miscarriages but go ahead and take the pills, it will make me feel a lot better. So that will be interesting. It is funny because it seemed like everything we talked about he felt was "unlikely" to be a factor, but he also said it is unusual to have three miscarriages in a row. So I wonder what he thinks the problem is?

But speaking of miracles, I was chatting with the surgery scheduler today after my appointment and she was saying that she had two m/c before having her four beautiful children. She had been really discouraged and talked to Dr. H about it and his angle was that getting pregnant at all is so unbelievably amazing - all the right things have to happen at the right time under the right conditions with all the right chromosomes, etc, etc, etc. There are just SO many things that can go wrong, and when you finally get all the "stars to line up" so to speak, and the very best egg and sperm meet and it all falls into place, it is so worth the wait. Isn't that nice?

Bad news

I had another ultrasound this morning and to my untrained eye, it didn't look much like anything had changed since the last one. The tech didn't say much either and we were sent back out to the waiting room until my follow up appointment with the ARNP. She came in and said unfortunately there doesn't appear to be a live pregnancy progressing. We pressed for more information and she explained (I am paraphrasing of course) that based on the size of the gestational sac, I should be 8 weeks along, and at that point there should clearly be some cardiac activity going on. We talked about what's next - wait and see or D&C and I asked if I should keep taking the progesterone or what. She consulted with another Dr. for a minute and came back and recommended stopping the progesterone since that could be dragging this out. And we made an appointment with my doctor for Wednesday at 2pm. She said 3 consecutive losses puts me in "a whole new category" and we should pow wow with Dr. H. Seriously, she actually said "pow wow". I also got a shot of Rhogam. And now I am at work.

I also got a call back this morning from my other doctor with my lab results. They said everything looked good/normal, except my thyroid which was just a little low. Aha! She prescribed 50 micrograms of Synthroid (?) daily and recommended a recheck in 6-8 weeks. So I guess that is something to talk with the doc about on Wednesday.

Tap tap tap

My stomach is in knots today. The closer I get to tomorrow I just get more and more nervous. At this point I am also pretty much assuming that it's going to be bad news. Hence the nervousness. So I'm keeping busy to pass the time. I painted my nails today - twice. And I just made homemade linguine with my new pasta roller attachment for my mixer. That was fun. And now I'm going to go make some banana bread.

Speranza ...

... that's italian for "Hope". I'm not sure if it's the noun, as in "don't give up hope," or verb as in, "I really hope I have a baby in May" I guess either situation applies. I really don't have anything new to report today as far as factual information regarding my situation. But I did read this article last night which said sometimes as a pregnancy progresses, the time for an hcg to double can increase to 4 days or more. And it was written by an MD, on WebMD, so it can't be completely bogus. And further internet searches found lots of other sources saying once the hcg is above 6,000 then it starts taking longer to double. Not to mention that everyone is just different. You can't fit a pregnancy into a perfect little pregnancy shaped box, it just doesn't work that way. So I decided not to be depressed until I get more definitive evidence that it's over. What's the point? Crying is exhausting, and I already did a lot of that last Wednesday. Not only that but it's absolutely not helping anything to be bawling my eyes all day.

So let's just wait and see what happens on Monday. 81 more hours. I can do it!

Not so good news

My hcg came back from yesterday at nine thousand something, which isn't good, it should have been closer to 16,000ish. So I am waiting for the nurse to run it by my doctor and call me back with our next move. I can't describe how unfair it is to be completely nauseous and exhausted and knowing it's all for nothing. I had an appointment with my family doc today and told her all about the situation and my history so she ordered all sorts of labs just to see what might be going on.

4pm update: I now have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday morning, and a follow up appointment with an ARNP since my Dr. will be out of the office. The actual number was 9422.5, and the nurse was kind of half heartedly trying to be encouraging about it. But hope is pretty much slipping away from me at this point. It's going to be a long weekend.

4th time's a charm

On our way back in to town today we stopped by the office to have my blood drawn again for yet another hcg. Lindy got it on the first try, so I was in and out of there in about 60 seconds. I should get the results in the morning. Not much else to report besides the spotting has almost completely stopped, I feel nauseous if I am hungry or if I eat too much, and I could really use a siesta at around 3pm each afternoon.

Happy Birthday to Me!

The doctor's office just called and said my hcg from Friday was 4167.8 which wasn't completely doubled but it was pretty darn close (double would have been 4382.6). They said it was good though so they want to repeat it again on Wednesday when I get back and then go from there. She said depending on the results from that he may want to order another ultrasound early next week. This news to me is a little ambiguous. Like I said yesterday, I still won't feel any better until I see that little heart beating. But at least it's not clearly bad, so I can enjoy my day. We are going to wander around this little Bavarian village and go golfing this afternoon. Hip hip hooray!

Status unchanged

It's kind of funny how the closer I get to learning my fate, the more time seems to slow down. Friday afternoon wasn't bad at all, yesterday was okay, but today has been a little like torture at times. And I don't even know for sure that I'm going to feel any better if I hear tomorrow morning that my hcg doubled again. In fact, I already know that I'm not going to feel any better until they do another ultrasound and tell me that "it" is definitely a week bigger than it was before. If that makes any sense. My brain keeps having these big swings back and forth from "everything is definitely not okay" to "oh my gosh I'm going to have a baby in 8 months!" and back again. About 15 times a day. Going to the bathroom is like going to the electric chair, I'm so terrified of what I'm going to find in there. Thankfully, nothing too scary has happened in there for awhile. Although still I worry worry worry, mainly that the progesterone I'm taking is just prolonging the inevitable. I sure hope that I don't get bad news tomorrow, even though I still won't feel like I'm out of the woods. Because Eric and I have arrived in Leavenworth for my birthday getaway! And we are staying in the awesome Bavarian Lodge in a Turret Suite! It is sooooo cool. So anyway gotta go, we are going to watch The Sum of All Fears before we fall asleep in this heavenly bed with the Bavarian Teddy Bear between us on the pillow.

Waiting waiting waiting

Today I am at my mom's house and we discussed the whole situation this morning. I had been tossing around the idea of seeing another doctor and wasn't sure what to do. My mom decided we should call the labor and delivery department at the hospital and see what doctors they recommended. Long story short, the nurse in charge said (without knowing who my doctor was) that my doctor was excellent, and the only other one she recommended was another MD in the same office. So I guess I am in good hands at least expertise-wise. I still might get a second opinion depending on how this all turns out. In my over analytical brain I can think of lots of reasons why my doctor didn't jump to action. Maybe he is just more the type to answer questions asked of him rather than volunteering a lot of information. Maybe he feels like it is important to deal with this situation before looking ahead to next time. He has always seemed really concerned about my emotional well being. I still wish they would have freaking put stat on the order, how hard would that have been? Emotionally wouldn't I have been better off knowing yesterday if my hcg wasn't continuing to double? Or would that have just ruined my fun weekend that I had planned? Hmm, it's a toss up. I still have not lost all hope. My spotting has almost completely stopped. I have an almost constant dull achy crampy feeling which makes me a little nervous but to further complicate the situation, I have read specifically that the cramps from a miscarriage feel exactly like the pains from a normal growing uterus. So I'm just going to relax and have fun this weekend, it's not over until... well even that I don't really know.

Getting poked

I just got back from getting my blood drawn yet again. I think since last August I have had almost 25 holes poked in the veins in my arms, good grief, I feel like a pin cushion. The girl today was pretty good. She missed my vein on the first try but found it pretty quick after that. I didn't catch her name. The one on Monday was the worst, she was literally digging around in my arm, I think she tried like 4 times, ouch. Wednesday was Heather, who also didn't succeed on her first try, or her 2nd, but then she finally hit paydirt. I think I am done going there. The girl at my doctor's office is really the best, she has never missed, and she pokes veins that I can't even see. She says it's because she goes by feel instead of by sight, which is what they are trained to do. I can't figure out why she seems to be the only one who knows that. Although the ones at the Sacred Heart day surgery center haven't been bad either, so I guess that is my other option if the office is closed. At my first D&C the nurse also missed my vein on her first try at the IV. Luckily I was already numb at that point so it didn't matter. So that's me, small veins.

Anyway, I asked the phlebotomist today how long it would be for the results. They didn't put stat on the order so it will probably be Monday before I hear back, which is awesome. I love sweating these things out for days at a time. The diagnosis code that my doctor put on the order for the hcg quant was 634, which means miscarriage. So that's awesome too. Glad he has such a positive outlook on this. I guess he just didn't want to get my hopes up but I still can't help but feel like this could be handled better.

Day 6

It's hard to believe what a roller coaster ride it has already been. Just a quick recap of what has happened so far... August 28th I thought I had my period, then the following Thursday, September 4th I dreamed that I took two pregnancy tests and they were both positive. So after work on Friday I thought why not, and I took one. Much to my surprise and confusion, it was positive. So I took another one, which was also positive. I twiddled my thumbs all weekend passing the time and called the doctor first thing Monday. I went and had my blood drawn to find out for sure. Finally at around 4:30pm when I hadn't heard back, I called the office and they called back to let me know. Sure enough, my hcg was 968, so definitely pregnant. Wednesday morning I woke up to find that I was spotting and immediately started freaking out. I called in sick to work and went to have my blood drawn again. Twiddled my thumbs all day long, waiting, waiting, waiting. Just for the record I watched Twister, The Devil Wears Prada, No Reservations, and The Pursuit of Happyness. Finally I called the office at 3:00pm to check on things and they told me, oh lab results usually take about 48 hours. Uh, no I don't think so, try again. Finally they called me back a little after 4pm and said the lab's computers were down and they couldn't get my results. ARGH! I slept pretty good that night (last night) and heard back this morning that my hcg was 2191.3, which was more than double, which was good news. The nurse said she would talk to my doctor and get back to me. Around 2:30pm today she called back and said I could come in for an ultrasound. I practically sprinted out the door and to the office. The ultrasound tech pointed out the gestational sac and the yolk sac, as well as a 1cm cyst on my left ovary. Awesome, just perfect. In the meantime, Eric had arrived so we were sent to the waiting room and then to an exam room to wait for the doctor. He came in and said he was afraid he had bad news. He said based on my last period I should be showing about 6 1/2 weeks growth and he's seeing only about 4 weeks. So either I ovulated really late or things aren't going well. He also said that the sac was implanted way down low in my uterus, and they like to see it up higher, so that's also a bad sign. So I cried and called my boss to say I wouldn't be back to work today and went home. Later on I got a call from a friend from work who was in her former life an ARNP at an OB/GYN office for a long time. She said not to give up hope, he could be wrong, I have had really long cycles, stay positive, etc. So I'm really confused and conflicted and frustrated and sad and angry and not really happy at all. This is supposed to be joyful and I am just filled with dread. I am sick of going through this. I thought the third time would be a charm, but I'm not so sure anymore. Silly me to get excited over my good hcg levels. It stands to reason that 968 and 2191 would sound a lot better after my past.... now I can't remember them all but I think the highest I've heard was 564, and that was after I already knew I had lost it on my second one.

Anyway, Mandy suggested I start this blog, I suppose I'll want to remember this stuff. I was a little hesitant at first because I didn't want to start something and then just have to scrap it all if I have another miscarriage. But as Natalie pointed out once, it's a process. So I think maybe even if it ends badly this time, I might still want to document this for some unknown future reason. So here we go... I'm going in again tomorrow to get another hcg done so I guess there's more to come.