So I have still been feeling really uncomfortable not knowing what is going on. I am making a solid effort to just trust that God knows what he’s doing (either way) but that just makes me worry more that if things are going south, it is for a good reason and I should just accept it. This sucks, why can’t I just be happy and feel secure? I am totally over analyzing everything, I know. My boobs hardly hurt at all anymore, like all of a sudden, so that really freaks me out. But then my skin is still terrible, and I am increasingly moody and emotional (like I am holding back tears right now). Then this morning I woke up with a headache, was gagging while brushing my teeth and also half of my drive to work I was fighting not to throw up on the steering wheel. So that’s all well and good. But for some reason I just still can’t shake the anxiety. I still have two weeks until my next doctor’s appointment and I know that all this stress just isn’t good for me. Natalie tells me not to “become a self fulfilling prophecy” but I don’t know what to do.
So for today, this is what I’ve got (thanks Mom).
Isaiah 41:10
Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
I feel a little better…
Okay and I am just going to admit this as well, just for the sake of keeping my documentation up to date (even though everyone will probably think I am crazy). Two nights ago I thought I felt the baby move. It felt exactly like a tiny goldfish flopped. Just once. I have not felt anything since, no matter how quietly I lie there hoping for it. But I’ve also never felt anything like it before. I know that at just 10 ½ weeks it was probably just wishful thinking, but I am looking forward to feeling it again (or the real thing).
2 comments:
I'm sure I speak for a lot of people when I say that I wish there was something tangible I could do to make this easier for you. But you'll have to settle for getting a loving earful.
That self-fulfilling prophecy nonsense is nonsense. Don't think on that for a moment.
Also, the idea that your surrender to God's will for your life is somehow permission for him to hurt you...also nonsense. He is not sitting up there waiting for you to give him the go ahead to put you through another trial. I don't know if I'm making sense, and I certainly don't mean to preach at you. I'm just trying to say that your faith in God makes him jump up and down for joy. He is so proud of you for trusting him. Satan likes to make us crazy in our minds, ya know? That's really the only power he has over us, and only when we hand it over. I know this because I so struggle with it.
God has plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Jer 29:11-13
Oh, and my boobs stopped hurting right around 10 weeks too.
You and baby are ever in my prayers.
Ohhh Pwincess Buttakwup, you ROCK! That is so what I needed to hear :) All of it. Another reason why I love this blog.
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