Day 6

It's hard to believe what a roller coaster ride it has already been. Just a quick recap of what has happened so far... August 28th I thought I had my period, then the following Thursday, September 4th I dreamed that I took two pregnancy tests and they were both positive. So after work on Friday I thought why not, and I took one. Much to my surprise and confusion, it was positive. So I took another one, which was also positive. I twiddled my thumbs all weekend passing the time and called the doctor first thing Monday. I went and had my blood drawn to find out for sure. Finally at around 4:30pm when I hadn't heard back, I called the office and they called back to let me know. Sure enough, my hcg was 968, so definitely pregnant. Wednesday morning I woke up to find that I was spotting and immediately started freaking out. I called in sick to work and went to have my blood drawn again. Twiddled my thumbs all day long, waiting, waiting, waiting. Just for the record I watched Twister, The Devil Wears Prada, No Reservations, and The Pursuit of Happyness. Finally I called the office at 3:00pm to check on things and they told me, oh lab results usually take about 48 hours. Uh, no I don't think so, try again. Finally they called me back a little after 4pm and said the lab's computers were down and they couldn't get my results. ARGH! I slept pretty good that night (last night) and heard back this morning that my hcg was 2191.3, which was more than double, which was good news. The nurse said she would talk to my doctor and get back to me. Around 2:30pm today she called back and said I could come in for an ultrasound. I practically sprinted out the door and to the office. The ultrasound tech pointed out the gestational sac and the yolk sac, as well as a 1cm cyst on my left ovary. Awesome, just perfect. In the meantime, Eric had arrived so we were sent to the waiting room and then to an exam room to wait for the doctor. He came in and said he was afraid he had bad news. He said based on my last period I should be showing about 6 1/2 weeks growth and he's seeing only about 4 weeks. So either I ovulated really late or things aren't going well. He also said that the sac was implanted way down low in my uterus, and they like to see it up higher, so that's also a bad sign. So I cried and called my boss to say I wouldn't be back to work today and went home. Later on I got a call from a friend from work who was in her former life an ARNP at an OB/GYN office for a long time. She said not to give up hope, he could be wrong, I have had really long cycles, stay positive, etc. So I'm really confused and conflicted and frustrated and sad and angry and not really happy at all. This is supposed to be joyful and I am just filled with dread. I am sick of going through this. I thought the third time would be a charm, but I'm not so sure anymore. Silly me to get excited over my good hcg levels. It stands to reason that 968 and 2191 would sound a lot better after my past.... now I can't remember them all but I think the highest I've heard was 564, and that was after I already knew I had lost it on my second one.

Anyway, Mandy suggested I start this blog, I suppose I'll want to remember this stuff. I was a little hesitant at first because I didn't want to start something and then just have to scrap it all if I have another miscarriage. But as Natalie pointed out once, it's a process. So I think maybe even if it ends badly this time, I might still want to document this for some unknown future reason. So here we go... I'm going in again tomorrow to get another hcg done so I guess there's more to come.